My team and I were doing research and were shocked to find the most asked question was "Can women over 40 find love?"
It blew me away and I thought, well damn - this is something I can really speak on because it's exactly where I am in my life.
I am just trying to figure it all out... But I've come a long way.
So, I'm putting it all out there, and if it resonates with you please know that you're not alone. There are so many of us navigating the world of divorce and dating and finding love again.
My story started when I was 7 years old, that's when I met my ex husband. We were together for 15 years before I filed for divorce in 2019. Since then I have learned so much about dating and myself so I'm just going to put it all out there because this is something more women should talk about so we don't feel so alone.
During the process of my divorce we both had a mutual respect for each other so we didn't want to start getting out there until it was legally final. So, in 2020 when it became official, I was ready.
Like many women who go through this process, you realize when the papers are finalized, and you take that first step into the dating world that, holy shit, it's been a long time since you've done this!
Before my marriage the last time I dated was my early twenties when I had a toxic relationship. I ended that and spent most of my time with a gay men, who are still my best friends to this day, so let's just say- I was a bit rusty.
My first step was dating apps and it gave me some time to take stock of how I interact with men. Nobody was really meeting up because of the pandemic so there was a lot of time for self reflection and let me tell you, I was shocked.
I've done TONS of therapy and one of the most important pieces for me was understanding my attachment style. (I highly recommend reading the book Attached-you will discover things about yourself you never knew).
I really started to understand the different types of attachment theories and I usually entered a relationship in anxious attachment style.
There's a lot of information to dive into but the general goal is to move closer to a secure attachment style.
You never can really change your innate attachment style because that really comes from childhood. But you can start to recognize these behaviors in you and start to regulate them and just move more towards secure attachment style behaviors.
I spent the next year working on these things, like when I wouldn't get a text back, for example, I would OBSESS over it. I was able to hide my crazy but internally I would go nuts worrying myself and building up so much anxiety. Many anxious attachment style people love hard, and that was me.
I also relied heavily on words of affirmation and validation. I looked back and saw these behaviors in my marriage and even beyond that I saw some of the sources of the behavior, like my parents divorce.
I had a lot of work to do because I realized that to get closer to secure attachment and a healthy relationship, I had to heal from within. Otherwise, I was going to find myself attracting the same type of men in the same kinds of relationships that were not fulfilling.
So, the first step to finding love over 40, mammas, is to take ownership and break the cycles. Fix yourself from the inside first.
The second thing I want you to do to find satisfying love and true unconditional love, you have to unconditionally love yourself and be completely okay with being alone.
This realization was a huge punch in the face for me.
I looked back and knew I had always either been in relationships or surrounded myself with my gay friends who were constantly giving me validation. So, when I was alone I needed to find someone to fill that need and I would easily overlook BIG HUGE GIGANTIC red flags.
You have to become unfuckwithable, a term coined by one of my favorite accounts on social media, Adam Cam. Once you're okay with being alone, you don't settle for the red flags, you don't brush them under a rug because it means you're not going to be alone. You raise your standards and you find more meaningful relationships, more fulfilling relationships.
Let me tell you, I am still working on myself, and it has been uncomfortable. That's okay. Progress isn't easy but if we want happiness we have to keep working- whether it's our physical health, our mental health, or finding love.
So, can women over 40 find love? HELL YES WE CAN. We just have to learn to love ourselves first.
If you want to dive deeper into this with me, be sure to check out my podcast here.
LET'S BE FRIENDS!
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